Stayed the same today, but yesterday was a massive drop and this morning TOM started so it's understandable. I won't let it make me binge, although I've been impressed at my ability to control binges lately. It sounds stupid but I'm kind of worried now that I'm getting better of gaining everything I lost, but I won't let it happen. I always plateau where I am now and I'm going to push past it.

-600 on elliptical

I got so hungry and weak after work (pretty late at night) so I decided to have a very controlled binge on a couple bowls of cereal and a few bites of things, and I took laxatives (only 2) and then went on the elliptical for -1000 cals (felt sooo good), so -1600 in total for today (technically almost 1/2 lb). I hope to God I don't gain tomorrow...***

Starting tomorrow, my new rule is I have to work everything off before I eat it. If I want a 140 cal oatmeal, then I burn 140 cal then eat the oatmeal. Or maybe I have to exercise double first, I haven't decided. We'll see how it works.

Today was the dreaded banana day of the sacred heart diet and it was basically a downward spiral because I wanted solid food, but not bananas, so I had spaghetti squash with tomato sauce and a salad (which I feel guilty for since it wasn't "allowed" but is also stupid because it's better than a freaking banana). And then I had a 40 cal fudgsicle since I already cheated. It sucks because I had been following it exactly, not even drinking diet sodas. But I also realized I would never have survived mentally through the last few days (rice and beef!? I don't even eat meat, and can you say carbs?). 

So I'm sitting here drinking diet blueberry green tea (yay for diet drinks again!!) and have devised a new plan. Only fruit and veggies (and small amounts of soy milk plus all the diet drinks and splenda I want, and this tub of veggie soup until it's gone)  for an undetermined amount of time. If all is going well for awhile I might sloooowly add in new foods, like egg beaters one week, etc. The reasoning I have behind this is:
                    A) I only really do well when I have narrow rules. If my only rule is calorie related, my head says "you just have to count it" to everything I eat, so I eat it.
                    B) The more food I'm allowed to eat, the more I feel I need to eat and the more I WANT to eat. If I can only eat fruits and vegetables, they lose their food appeal very quickly and I only eat if I'm truly really hungry.
                    C) Hypothetical situation: I eat 800 calories one day. If those 800 cals are pure junk I feel like a sluggish, fat piece of crap and a failure. If those 800 calories are all "diet foods" I feel ok, but I'm not doing my body any favours nutrient-wise and end up with huge sugar cravings. If those 800 calories are fruits and vegetables then I probably won't be hungry because that's a lot of food, I'll be getting at least SOME of the reccomended amounts of vitamins and I won't feel like as much as a fat failure.

So that's my plan for right now. And I'm not counting the cals in the fruits and veggies because I doubt it will be high enough to be of a huge concern, and I'm trying to slowly break the counting habit, and it's basically impossible to be accurate with whole foods like that and it would end up driving me nuts. 

This all starts tomorrow (even though that's basically all I've eaten for the past 3 days anyway). And since I felt so crap about ruining today, I've taken 3 herbal laxatives and 2 chocolate exlaxes (cals anyone??). And yea, I know that laxatives don't purge calories, but oddly I don't care about the calories right now, I just want the food weight out of my stomach so I can feel cleaner. I'm sure some of you understand.

I'm going to end this exceedingly long post (thanks if you're still reading!) with a little story that made me eerily happy. My mom gave me her card to go get laxatives from the store (I have IBS, so she doesn't question it. And I really don't often abuse them, I truly need them most times....maybe not as MANY, but...) When I got back she told me only to take them if I needed them, so I showed her how swollen my lower belly way between my hipbones. She felt it and said it felt perfectly flat to her, so I explained that usually my pants rested on my hipbones and left a gap over my stomach, but now there was a slight arc between my hipbones meaning it was actually quite swollen (sorry if that's too gross). Then she said "well, you're so tiny, Andrea, it's hard for me to tell". (!) I mean, I'm NOT tiny, but it made me feel fluttery and giddy when she said that, which, of course, just motivates me to get even smaller =S. Oh well.

Thanks for reading!
<3 you all, Andrea